Relationships are complicated, difficult, wonderful, and (insert your own adjective depending on the day). I have found over time (and today I am celebrating my 46th anniversary) that being honest with myself is a great place to begin building a strong relationship.
Our first child is a “honeymoon baby.” Now that was wonderful except, I get horribly sick during pregnancy, pretty much “losing my cookies” 24/7. Then, I deliver the baby, and no matter boy or girl, I immediately stop getting sick. I tried it all: Vitamin B shots, IVs to keep my fluids up, all kinds of food, and several natural remedies. However, the only thing that worked was to have the baby.
So, with that first pregnancy, we initially lived with my husband’s family. I spent most days in the bedroom or the bathroom. I even learned to carry small Ziploc bags with me if I ever managed to get out the door. In fact, there are two things I regret not investing in—Ziploc bags and Post- it notes. I strongly believe I might have single-handedly kept both products on the shelves for at least a decade or two.
Now, because I barely knew my husband’s family (more about that later), I felt they pretty much thought I was a princess in waiting. Not a good start to a marriage and in-law relationships, to say the least, and certainly not great for my confidence. Then, in the seventh month of that first pregnancy, we moved across the country to Washington, DC when my husband began working on a presidential campaign. As I was still not feeling great, my husband would do the laundry, sometimes cook, and even vacuum. Luckily, after I had our son, I was back to myself. However, as anyone who has a baby knows, there is a lot that goes into the care of that baby. And with my husband traveling frequently, I tried to manage, but rarely succeeded in doing all that I felt I needed to do. My husband would return home and again do the laundry.
Now here is the rub. For whatever reason, I got in my head that his doing the laundry meant I was not doing “my job.” I felt he was secretly thinking less of me. This continued for literally decades, and I would find ways to lash out and be angry with him, usually in response to clothes coming out different colors or a favorite sweater being shrunk.
One day, while I was visiting with a dear friend, this shameful secret came up. Her reply: “I wish my husband would do the laundry.” WHAT?! It was a huge paradigm shift. I thought and thought about it until my husband returned home that night. When he did, I asked him why he did the laundry and if he felt like I was not holding up my part of “the bargain.” He answered, “I like doing the laundry. When I have so much on my mind, it is a way for me to do something as I work through my thoughts.” WHAT?!
And, to fully fess up, I do not even like doing the laundry. It makes me seriously sad to think of all those years I felt small and inferior because I did not have the courage to ask and simply have a conversation about the laundry – a conversation that was really about the laundry, and nothing else.
INVITATION TO ACT:
This week, please take an opportunity to find where you might be making yourself feel small in a relationship. Then, have an intentional conversation. But prepare to be surprised—you might just learn it really is just about the laundry.
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